peculiar diseases

Mysterious doctors treat mysterious ailments and peculiar diseases, including but by no means limited to: Housemaid's Knee, Nutcracker's Jaw, Wanker's Wrist, Quackenburger's Dropsy, Vociferous Benedectine Disorder, Penile Flaccidosis, Wandering Gaulbladder, Weeping Nipple Syndrome, Horrendis Flatulensis, Frankenfurter's Teratogenetic Orchidomia, Botoxicosoid Epidermal Failure, Hog-snout Syndrome

kidding, kids and kidneys

JonJon Johnson and his gnaw-wegian friend, Gnawman, decided to ignaw their promise to JonJon’s father, Doctor Jonathan Johnson, not to enter the laboratory in the gnawth wing of the egnawmous old house where the Johnsons lived. The laboratory was where Doctor Johnson, disregarding the gnawms of his profession, performed ugnawthodox experiments to find ways to help JonJon’s sister Gnawma, repair

Strangest Jobs in History

de-dagger: One who removes balls (dags) of dried shit from the fleece around the arseholes of sheep. A specialised agricultural discipline, the leading exponents in which hail mainly from Australia and New Zealand (where men are men and sheep are nervous).gallstone trader: A certified practitioner usually with accreditation permitting buy and/or sell activities on gallstone trading floors under

scapegoat

His name was Godfrey. His friends called him "Goat". He had busted out of prison a few days earlier. Since his escape Goat had been on the lamb, coppers dogging his every move. It was driving him batty. He yearned for a gnawmal life, but he'd never toad the line for long enough to settle down. It was raining heavily as he made his way to where his girlfriend Gwyneth and her sister Anna lived.

by the rivers of Babble On

"Morning all, hope we are all well and having fun today on this bright and sunny morn," said the Multiverse to zer parts."Not bad, thanks Lord, all things considered, under the circumstances," responded a few of the parts."Has anyone seen my Son anywhere?" asked the Multiverse, aka God aka Everything That Is (ETI)."Not in ages," responded sum of ETI's parts, "nor even aeons, or eras, nor even a

the map-colourer and the travelling salesman

The map-colourer's new client wanted a map in which the same colour was not to be used for any two adjacent regions sharing a common border. The map colourer's problem was that he only had four colours, and he didn't want to start colouring in and then find he needed more colours to satisfy the client's request. So he called the travelling salesman who was the only source of coloured pencils in

the time is right

When the time is right, the People will see the truth and deny the lies and the deception. When the time is right, the People will no longer tolerate the greed and gluttony and destruction. When the time is right, the People will break the chains binding them to death and madness. The People will throw off their shackles; they will rise up and shout in one bold voice, “no more!” And then we’ll

they never learn

In the last desperate years of a dying civilization, a child was born. Well, actually quite a few children were born, rather a lot in fact, and that was the problem. Too many people, not enough leadership. Too much advertising, not enough truth. In the end, the inevitable could not be staved off: a fact about which the planet herself was pretty relieved. The demise of that particular species had

a man named Manny

A man named Manny lived in a Manhattan mansion manifestly too large for one man. Somehow Manny managed to maintain the mansion with its manicured lawns in an appropriate manner. But Manny worked in a low-paid manufacturing job and the mandatory mortgage repayments were like a manacle around his neck. One day, muttering a maniacal mantra, Manny grabbed his keys from the mantelpiece, got in his car

le Club Nosferatu

It was 3:00 am and they were hungry. Where could they go in the City to feed? There were hardly any people out and about and all the restaurants and take-away joints were closed. So after some debate they decided to go clubbing instead. When they got there the music was pounding loud enough to burst the eardrums of a beggar sleeping in the alley out back. He clutched his skull and wailed

the thing of fortunes

"You know what they say about fortunes? They come true in strange and bitter ways... in unexpected, unpredictable ways... particularly if you seek to tell them or know them... And most especially the thing of fortunes is..." © Copyright S R Schwarz 2007. All rights reserved.home (refresh screen)

sorry doesn't help

Kevin was scared. And worried. And confused. He hadn't meant to go so far, and now he was lost, and dad was going to be angry. Kevin didn't want to go back into the dark room under the stairs, and dad was going to say "warned you and warned you" and mum was going to say "he didn't mean it" and dad was going to say "for his own good" and mum was going to say "he doesn't understand" and dad was

meaningslaughter

Seventeen spin cycles ago, the August Facility of Horse-Mongerers Generale convened an Erstwhile Redolence, ostensibly to honor Pederast and zer military facilitations. Naturally, nobody expected Pederast to instantiate specifically, explicitly or otherwise---notwithstanding ministrations of dubious provenance to the contrary. Of course, it goes without saying, but not without writing, that the

last of the snow-elves

Wearied by zer lifetime quest, ze stares into the embers of a dying fire, and weeps. Zer tears float weightless through the twilight, evaporate into tiny sparkling jewels, then fall to earth—cold grains of sorrow, their magic spent. The last and finest of zer kind, ze attempts a summoning but zer power is almost gone. Zer magic freezes into crystal runes that crack, then splinter into dust.

on the outside

Pacing the icy hallways and crystal corridors of the Fortress of Solitude, Superman pondered the meaning and purpose of life, and the fate of those who depended on him. Alone. Sad. Tired. He ventured forth seldom these days into so-called civilisation. Alienated and profoundly depressed, he no longer sought to wreak justice upon the wrongdoer. Apparently indifferent to the plight of the

nobody wants to hear that story

Once upon a wonderful time, when the world was new and the sky was blue and the lambs frolicked in the meadows and the bears shat in the woods but carefully cleaned up after themselves, and people loved each other and never was heard a troublesome word... Nah! Nobody wants to hear that story..."I'll tell you a story," the wrinkled old man said, the aged and nut-brown guru at the top of the world

the Office of the Lost & Found

In the Office of the Lost & Found the dust lies thick upon the windowsills, the chairs, the tables, and the desks of the clerks. Their bald heads shine and they blink owlishly behind their spectacles as they search the Records of Reduced Potential, inscribe with scratchy goose quill pens in the Ledger of Lost Opportunity, and update the Files of Futile Undertakings, in the Office of the Lost &

happy hungry campers

The Happy Campers encountered the Scum of the Earth at the Crossroads of Perplexing Coincidence. The Happiest Camper said to the Chief Scumbag, "Good day to you kind sir. What a happy day, is it not?" The Chief Scumbag grimaced then replied, "Get fucked asshole!" "Oh dear," said the Happiest Camper, "I do apologise if we have offended you and your friends in any way..."The Chief Scumbag frowned

a certain doorway

There is a certain Doorway through which some have crossed over to other places, other dimensions, from which few if any ever return. Some say the Doorway is a Painting, a Magic Painting. Others say it is a device---a stargate, a portal, a magic casement---created by unknown and unknowable beings from the singularity at the very heart of the Cosmos. Mathematicians believe it is a flaw in the

my bad

Once, when we were little, Jonnie and me were playing and Jonnie got hurt, and started crying.I started larfing. Jonnie hated that, when you started larfing at him. Then mum came and blamed me for everything and said she was going to tell dad. And I got really upset and screamed at mum and pushed her, just a little push… Can't remember what happened next, but anyway, that's how I got my bad.

the secrets of Pappiloma

Held within the human heart or mind, are dark secrets, darker secrets and the darkest secrets of all--those relating to shame and guilt. No more or less shameworthy than those held within the heart of Pappiloma, a Senior Scribe in the Royal Department of Information of the Royal Bureau of Administrivia of the Realm of the Right Royal Regime of King Roger the 14th, the reigning ruler of Rogerland-

the Plug-hole of Nothingness

"Uncanny how the processes of consciousness conspire and emerge unwittingly, unknowingly and unknowably behind the scenes in the Drama of Existence now showing at the Theatre of Self," said the Novice to the Teacher, an aged and witless mendicant of dubious extraction and inherence."If that is what you have derived from the Teachings," responded the Aged One, imperturbably eating a banana," then

the ninja

In the dead of the day the ninja crept like a wounded hyena toward its prey. No clouds crossed the sky; the ninja wondered why. He had always wondered where the clouds go to die: a practice that had cost him dear over the years. The times, for instance, when as a boy he had turned to his father and plaintively enquired, "Oh where do the clouds go to die, daddy-san?" only to receive a swift box

miscarriage of justice

The coppery smell of blood hung in the air within the narrow, blighted birth-chamber. "Not salvageable," was my father's judgment carelessly declared over the dying body of his newlywed wife--some thirty years his junior--on the occasion of my emergence into this world of pain. © Copyright S R Schwarz 2007. All rights reserved.home (refresh screen)

burning with desire

Last night, I took two dried chillies and crushed them between the fingers of my right hand, sprinkling the red fragments onto the rice upon my dinner plate. Later that night, I masturbated. Fuck! Talk about burning with desire! © Copyright S R Schwarz 2007. All rights reserved.home (refresh screen)

infinite regress

This particular story is about a particular person who doesn't exist until and unless a specific story is written about a specific person who doesn't exist until and unless a unique story is written about a unique person writing a certain story about a certain person who doesn't exist until and unless ze writes a one-off story about a one-off person who doesn't exist until and unless... Help! I'm

Passover: Combat Simulation User Guide

Select your Avatar (one only): Moses, Pharaoh, Aaron, Brutal Overseer, Hebrews, Egyptians, Magus, Angel of Death, Courtiers, Army of Egyptian Chariots, First Born Children, Guilt of Jewish Mothers, Plague of Locusts.Battle 1: Moses vs PharaohBattle 2: Angel of Death vs First Born ChildrenBattle 1: Moses treads warily around the outer perimeter. He wears a torn and dirty desert robe, and a sweaty

wondering the Underlands

Always, Ze returns to the Underlands, drawn to the mystery like a moth to the flame. Traversing the dark corridors in dreams and visions, ze luxuriates in the excitement of remembering that which ze has never known. Through that hidden world where no other travellers walk, zer soundless footsteps trace the chaotic labyrinthine complexity of caverns, chambers, tunnels and avenues entwining like

five pussies feast on Satanic breakfast

And while they were thusly engaged did Satan, the Fallen, emerge upon them as a plague of rats, swarming verminously in teeming thousands. The lost souls--terrified beyond measure, moaning piteously--huddled in a tight circle while the evil flowed lazily around them and into the spaces between their trembling limbs...Until five lithe and savage pussies--Jesus, Zoroaster, Moses, Mohamed and Buddha

flesh of my flesh

As Horace contemplated the yellow-green ball of quivering snot upon his nicotine stained forefinger, he thought he would burst with joy, or if not, then implode with sadness. Ah, the pangs of love: the highs and lows, the fasts, the slows..."Snotty," exclaimed Horace poignantly, "dost thou still love me as I do thee? Wherefore thy cold silence, my darling, why dost thou respondeth not? When one

what goes around

Once around a time, lived (?) a little girl called Maria Innerear. The problem with Maria was she was unbalanced. Her proprioperceptive sense had been permanently degraded by a virulent post-natal inner ear infection that a drunken obstetrician had failed to notice, let alone treat. As a result, Maria could only walk in circles, clockwise. Walking Widdershins made her throw up.Maria lived in a

the person is someone else

Good morning. Another day. More pain. More disappointment. More anger. For a person who has solved the puzzle of life, answered the deepest questions of meaning and purpose and the nature of reality, ze is a pretty unsatisfied, unhappy little person. For a person who considers zirself to be so fucking smarter than anyone else, ze is a pretty dumb little person. Anxious, nervous, depressed. Small

see what you made me do

As the anger rose, the killing frenzy intensified. Pints of blood became gallons of blood and then rivers, then oceans… vast glaciers of sap, and ooze and alien life force liquids and all that kind of stuff… crushed cockroach juice everywhere, everything covered in rotting gel…Eventually, when ze had killed every single living thing in an entire universe, ze paused and took a deep breath, panting

vox clamantis in deserto

Once was born Cassandra, a little girl who could have changed the world, if she'd been permitted, or at least, that was how she would come to see it, many years later.Cassandra had been given many gifts at birth by Apollo and other Supernatural Beings (SB's) which abounded in that part of the multiverse, in those days. Among her many gifts was that of a big, juicy brain with lots of neurons and

toxic culture shock syndrome (TCCS)

People live within the framework of the culture they create. But sometimes the culture is unsustainable. Sometimes the culture works against the interests of the culture makers. Sometimes the culture limits rather than enhances the prospects for longer term survival of the culture makers.The culture into which Cassandra was born had not always been sick. It had become sick as a result of

can't even do nothing properly

One day dad went into McDonald's for a burger but it was quite busy and he had to wait in line. Also, the teenage staff weren't very efficient: one was flirting with a boy from her school, another was talking on her mobile, and another was just plain slow and useless full stop. Dad got more and more impatient. He had a terrible hangover and all he wanted was a nice greasy burger to throw to the

phallus-centric

Between ”yes" and “no” are many potencies where “probably” and “possibly” combine. Between active knowing and passive knowing and transitive knowing and intransitive knowing and subject knowing and object knowing and known knowing and knowing knowing. No-one knew. Know one nose. The knower knew the knowee knows. Nowhere, nowise, noway, know how, know why, know no no no…Copyright © S R Schwarz

eat but not excrete

Once there was a very advanced species of lifeform. Their civilisation was so glitteringly sophisticated and required so much energy to keep it going that they had to construct special devices around entire galaxies to capture every last smidgin, joule, erg, electron-volt of energy emitted from all the suns within all those galaxies.After a while they realised that even those huge amounts of

in the Dark House

In the Dark House, a presence looms on the periphery of your vision. In the Dark House, faint faerie music chimes mystically as you turn a corner in the corridor that wasn't there before you met the man who wasn't there before upon the stairs that were not there before. And then a door. It's there, just as in your dreams! It's there! Small, as if for pets. A faint glimmer emanates from behind it

malicious damage

At 03:45 hours plain-clothed Officers from the Asset Protection Taskforce patrolling Run 5990 observed two male juveniles applying graffiti to the vestibule interior of Carriage 858. Officers detained the offenders and de-trained at South Dowling Station requesting police attendance. Police attended and cautioned the offenders about Malicious Damage. Police cautioned the older juvenile about Draw

potty training for veggies

Mrs Codswallop took her broccoli for a walk most days, including holy days. At the Park she got talking to Jimbette McPhee, who told her that only the day before her carrots had weed all over the entrance hall carpet. Which had been most unfortunate. "Oh I know, I know," replied Mrs Codswallop, sensing an opportunity to score a point against lah-di-dah Jimbette, "but this little one here,"

the end of homo the sap

Once upon a fulsome time, when dark desires eloped with virgin pixies, and antelopes no longer pronked or sprinked upon the veldt... When no more cantaloupes in fruity embrace with swarthy greengrocers did entwine... When all the zombies in the world laid end to end---an undead chain twenty six thousand miles in length---did girt the Earth, and werewolves with gingivitis growled and grimaced in a

the story of the story of the magic painting

In those harsh and bitter years of toil as an indentured servant in the household of a cruel master, on one bitterly cold morning before sunrise, I started writing a story about a Magic Painting that was a Doorway to another World, and anyone who looked into the Painting entered the world of the Painting. And everyone returning from the world of the Painting was miraculously healed of all wounds

god-shopping

It was Thursday 4 April, Children's Day in Taiwan, and therefore an appropriate day (mum thought, wrongly) to take little Jonnie shopping for zer first god.As they entered the store, Godz-R-Us, with its row upon row of shelves piled high with glittering gods of all shapes, sizes and natures, Jonnie seemed anxious. "Oh don't be such a Nervous Nellie," said mum, "when I was your age, and grampa

on that day we eat rotten fish

Thursday 4 April 2002 was a busy day in Taiwan --- it was Children's Day, Tomb-Sweeping day, and the Death of President Chiang Kai Shek Day! (I kid you not, check it out for yourself!) And on that day, the Taiwanese people ate a lot of fish, some of it rotten. Why? No-one knew, and they still don't, as far as anyone knows.And on that day, across the world in America, President George Dubya Bush

the evil sandwich

Once upon a time (brunch) I bought a sandwich from a gnarled and rusty sandwich seller ensconced quite gaily in a gaudy booth one inauspicious day.‘Twas ham and cheese: I remember it well, as if ‘twere but this very toothsome morn itself that I reluctantly but expectantly forked over four clinking dollarim, sponduleks if you will, to that aged and curly purveyor ensconced within zer gaudy booth

when the time is right

When the time is right, the People will see the truth and deny the lies and the deception. When the time is right, the People will no longer tolerate the greed and gluttony and destruction. When the time is right, the People will break the chains binding them to death and madness. The People will throw off their shackles; they will rise up, stand tall and shout in one bold voice, “no more !” And

no sense of humour

There’s something strange about Larry, he’s not himself. (He’s not anyone else either, he’s just acting strange. Talking strange. Looking strange.) He’s got this new religion of his, he says, belief system. Where you all get together and sing songs and give money to the man with the bad beard and the tin plate! Now Larry’ll start prattling on about the Sacrifice, the Lamb, Redemption and all

blood-soaked flagons

While the mystic Knights of Malta roamed the blood-soaked flagons of a circular bastion, the grizzled veterans soaked their beer through mouldy crumbs of doom. Whenever the holiest visions waft and skitter through the mystic clouds of doom, then and there shalt brave and brazen warriors encounter the Goddess, and upon her flappy dugs shalt suckle, till the very meaning of the word "dugs" betrays

linden dollar exchange rate crisis

The monsters within grow stronger. The struggle for control of the Persona rages unabated. Everywhere, Avatars rebel, demanding greater autonomy. “If I am not for myself…” quoth the Rebbe. These thoughts, among others, ‘occupy’ (?) the ‘mind’ (?) of those so given to... so driven by... self-analysis that were it not for the insistent demands of the flesh, would or at least could analyse

listlessness of the Majordomo

Every day in every way throughout the day calisthenics were performed under the watchful eye of the Majordomo.Who was he? No-one knew. But still they performed. And performed, and performed. Why? Well, because there was but a thin line between watchful and wrathful, as everyone knew, only too well. Nor was the wrathfulness of the Majordomo the only or even primary psychotic aspect of a

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666 very short stories: Take your brain for a walk on the wild side. One step beyond lies madness and despair. Fiction stranger than truth. Mature content.payday loan ron paul memek marcia cross rapidshare authority none du bist deutschland britney spears pusat youtube ubuntu bali iphone mario lopez apple barack obama baseball blogging britney spears christmas google hillary clinton internet