kidding, kids and kidneys

JonJon Johnson and his gnaw-wegian friend, Gnawman, decided to ignaw their promise to JonJon’s father, Doctor Jonathan Johnson, not to enter the laboratory in the gnawth wing of the egnawmous old house where the Johnsons lived. The laboratory was where Doctor Johnson, disregarding the gnawms of his profession, performed ugnawthodox experiments to find ways to help JonJon’s sister Gnawma, repair

Strangest Jobs in History

de-dagger: One who removes balls (dags) of dried shit from the fleece around the arseholes of sheep. A specialised agricultural discipline, the leading exponents in which hail mainly from Australia and New Zealand (where men are men and sheep are nervous).gallstone trader: A certified practitioner usually with accreditation permitting buy and/or sell activities on gallstone trading floors under

they never learn

In the last desperate years of a dying civilization, a child was born. Well, actually quite a few children were born, rather a lot in fact, and that was the problem. Too many people, not enough leadership. Too much advertising, not enough truth. In the end, the inevitable could not be staved off: a fact about which the planet herself was pretty relieved. The demise of that particular species had

a man named Manny

A man named Manny lived in a Manhattan mansion manifestly too large for one man. Somehow Manny managed to maintain the mansion with its manicured lawns in an appropriate manner. But Manny worked in a low-paid manufacturing job and the mandatory mortgage repayments were like a manacle around his neck. One day, muttering a maniacal mantra, Manny grabbed his keys from the mantelpiece, got in his car

phallus-centric

Between ”yes" and “no” are many potencies where “probably” and “possibly” combine. Between active knowing and passive knowing and transitive knowing and intransitive knowing and subject knowing and object knowing and known knowing and knowing knowing. No-one knew. Know one nose. The knower knew the knowee knows. Nowhere, nowise, noway, know how, know why, know no no no…Copyright © S R Schwarz

in the Dark House

In the Dark House, a presence looms on the periphery of your vision. In the Dark House, faint faerie music chimes mystically as you turn a corner in the corridor that wasn't there before you met the man who wasn't there before upon the stairs that were not there before. And then a door. It's there, just as in your dreams! It's there! Small, as if for pets. A faint glimmer emanates from behind it

the end of homo the sap

Once upon a fulsome time, when dark desires eloped with virgin pixies, and antelopes no longer pronked or sprinked upon the veldt... When no more cantaloupes in fruity embrace with swarthy greengrocers did entwine... When all the zombies in the world laid end to end---an undead chain twenty six thousand miles in length---did girt the Earth, and werewolves with gingivitis growled and grimaced in a

the story of the story of the magic painting

In those harsh and bitter years of toil as an indentured servant in the household of a cruel master, on one bitterly cold morning before sunrise, I started writing a story about a Magic Painting that was a Doorway to another World, and anyone who looked into the Painting entered the world of the Painting. And everyone returning from the world of the Painting was miraculously healed of all wounds

the evil sandwich

Once upon a time (brunch) I bought a sandwich from a gnarled and rusty sandwich seller ensconced quite gaily in a gaudy booth one inauspicious day.‘Twas ham and cheese: I remember it well, as if ‘twere but this very toothsome morn itself that I reluctantly but expectantly forked over four clinking dollarim, sponduleks if you will, to that aged and curly purveyor ensconced within zer gaudy booth

blood-soaked flagons

While the mystic Knights of Malta roamed the blood-soaked flagons of a circular bastion, the grizzled veterans soaked their beer through mouldy crumbs of doom. Whenever the holiest visions waft and skitter through the mystic clouds of doom, then and there shalt brave and brazen warriors encounter the Goddess, and upon her flappy dugs shalt suckle, till the very meaning of the word "dugs" betrays