kidding, kids and kidneys

JonJon Johnson and his gnaw-wegian friend, Gnawman, decided to ignaw their promise to JonJon’s father, Doctor Jonathan Johnson, not to enter the laboratory in the gnawth wing of the egnawmous old house where the Johnsons lived. The laboratory was where Doctor Johnson, disregarding the gnawms of his profession, performed ugnawthodox experiments to find ways to help JonJon’s sister Gnawma, repair

Strangest Jobs in History

de-dagger: One who removes balls (dags) of dried shit from the fleece around the arseholes of sheep. A specialised agricultural discipline, the leading exponents in which hail mainly from Australia and New Zealand (where men are men and sheep are nervous).gallstone trader: A certified practitioner usually with accreditation permitting buy and/or sell activities on gallstone trading floors under

scapegoat

His name was Godfrey. His friends called him "Goat". He had busted out of prison a few days earlier. Since his escape Goat had been on the lamb, coppers dogging his every move. It was driving him batty. He yearned for a gnawmal life, but he'd never toad the line for long enough to settle down. It was raining heavily as he made his way to where his girlfriend Gwyneth and her sister Anna lived.

by the rivers of Babble On

"Morning all, hope we are all well and having fun today on this bright and sunny morn," said the Multiverse to zer parts."Not bad, thanks Lord, all things considered, under the circumstances," responded a few of the parts."Has anyone seen my Son anywhere?" asked the Multiverse, aka God aka Everything That Is (ETI)."Not in ages," responded sum of ETI's parts, "nor even aeons, or eras, nor even a

a man named Manny

A man named Manny lived in a Manhattan mansion manifestly too large for one man. Somehow Manny managed to maintain the mansion with its manicured lawns in an appropriate manner. But Manny worked in a low-paid manufacturing job and the mandatory mortgage repayments were like a manacle around his neck. One day, muttering a maniacal mantra, Manny grabbed his keys from the mantelpiece, got in his car

meaningslaughter

Seventeen spin cycles ago, the August Facility of Horse-Mongerers Generale convened an Erstwhile Redolence, ostensibly to honor Pederast and zer military facilitations. Naturally, nobody expected Pederast to instantiate specifically, explicitly or otherwise---notwithstanding ministrations of dubious provenance to the contrary. Of course, it goes without saying, but not without writing, that the

on the outside

Pacing the icy hallways and crystal corridors of the Fortress of Solitude, Superman pondered the meaning and purpose of life, and the fate of those who depended on him. Alone. Sad. Tired. He ventured forth seldom these days into so-called civilisation. Alienated and profoundly depressed, he no longer sought to wreak justice upon the wrongdoer. Apparently indifferent to the plight of the

the Plug-hole of Nothingness

"Uncanny how the processes of consciousness conspire and emerge unwittingly, unknowingly and unknowably behind the scenes in the Drama of Existence now showing at the Theatre of Self," said the Novice to the Teacher, an aged and witless mendicant of dubious extraction and inherence."If that is what you have derived from the Teachings," responded the Aged One, imperturbably eating a banana," then

burning with desire

Last night, I took two dried chillies and crushed them between the fingers of my right hand, sprinkling the red fragments onto the rice upon my dinner plate. Later that night, I masturbated. Fuck! Talk about burning with desire! © Copyright S R Schwarz 2007. All rights reserved.home (refresh screen)

Passover: Combat Simulation User Guide

Select your Avatar (one only): Moses, Pharaoh, Aaron, Brutal Overseer, Hebrews, Egyptians, Magus, Angel of Death, Courtiers, Army of Egyptian Chariots, First Born Children, Guilt of Jewish Mothers, Plague of Locusts.Battle 1: Moses vs PharaohBattle 2: Angel of Death vs First Born ChildrenBattle 1: Moses treads warily around the outer perimeter. He wears a torn and dirty desert robe, and a sweaty

what goes around

Once around a time, lived (?) a little girl called Maria Innerear. The problem with Maria was she was unbalanced. Her proprioperceptive sense had been permanently degraded by a virulent post-natal inner ear infection that a drunken obstetrician had failed to notice, let alone treat. As a result, Maria could only walk in circles, clockwise. Walking Widdershins made her throw up.Maria lived in a

vox clamantis in deserto

Once was born Cassandra, a little girl who could have changed the world, if she'd been permitted, or at least, that was how she would come to see it, many years later.Cassandra had been given many gifts at birth by Apollo and other Supernatural Beings (SB's) which abounded in that part of the multiverse, in those days. Among her many gifts was that of a big, juicy brain with lots of neurons and

god-shopping

It was Thursday 4 April, Children's Day in Taiwan, and therefore an appropriate day (mum thought, wrongly) to take little Jonnie shopping for zer first god.As they entered the store, Godz-R-Us, with its row upon row of shelves piled high with glittering gods of all shapes, sizes and natures, Jonnie seemed anxious. "Oh don't be such a Nervous Nellie," said mum, "when I was your age, and grampa

on that day we eat rotten fish

Thursday 4 April 2002 was a busy day in Taiwan --- it was Children's Day, Tomb-Sweeping day, and the Death of President Chiang Kai Shek Day! (I kid you not, check it out for yourself!) And on that day, the Taiwanese people ate a lot of fish, some of it rotten. Why? No-one knew, and they still don't, as far as anyone knows.And on that day, across the world in America, President George Dubya Bush

the evil sandwich

Once upon a time (brunch) I bought a sandwich from a gnarled and rusty sandwich seller ensconced quite gaily in a gaudy booth one inauspicious day.‘Twas ham and cheese: I remember it well, as if ‘twere but this very toothsome morn itself that I reluctantly but expectantly forked over four clinking dollarim, sponduleks if you will, to that aged and curly purveyor ensconced within zer gaudy booth