the map-colourer and the travelling salesman

The map-colourer's new client wanted a map in which the same colour was not to be used for any two adjacent regions sharing a common border. The map colourer's problem was that he only had four colours, and he didn't want to start colouring in and then find he needed more colours to satisfy the client's request. So he called the travelling salesman who was the only source of coloured pencils in

meaningslaughter

Seventeen spin cycles ago, the August Facility of Horse-Mongerers Generale convened an Erstwhile Redolence, ostensibly to honor Pederast and zer military facilitations. Naturally, nobody expected Pederast to instantiate specifically, explicitly or otherwise---notwithstanding ministrations of dubious provenance to the contrary. Of course, it goes without saying, but not without writing, that the

malicious damage

At 03:45 hours plain-clothed Officers from the Asset Protection Taskforce patrolling Run 5990 observed two male juveniles applying graffiti to the vestibule interior of Carriage 858. Officers detained the offenders and de-trained at South Dowling Station requesting police attendance. Police attended and cautioned the offenders about Malicious Damage. Police cautioned the older juvenile about Draw

potty training for veggies

Mrs Codswallop took her broccoli for a walk most days, including holy days. At the Park she got talking to Jimbette McPhee, who told her that only the day before her carrots had weed all over the entrance hall carpet. Which had been most unfortunate. "Oh I know, I know," replied Mrs Codswallop, sensing an opportunity to score a point against lah-di-dah Jimbette, "but this little one here,"

the end of homo the sap

Once upon a fulsome time, when dark desires eloped with virgin pixies, and antelopes no longer pronked or sprinked upon the veldt... When no more cantaloupes in fruity embrace with swarthy greengrocers did entwine... When all the zombies in the world laid end to end---an undead chain twenty six thousand miles in length---did girt the Earth, and werewolves with gingivitis growled and grimaced in a

the story of the story of the magic painting

In those harsh and bitter years of toil as an indentured servant in the household of a cruel master, on one bitterly cold morning before sunrise, I started writing a story about a Magic Painting that was a Doorway to another World, and anyone who looked into the Painting entered the world of the Painting. And everyone returning from the world of the Painting was miraculously healed of all wounds

the evil sandwich

Once upon a time (brunch) I bought a sandwich from a gnarled and rusty sandwich seller ensconced quite gaily in a gaudy booth one inauspicious day.‘Twas ham and cheese: I remember it well, as if ‘twere but this very toothsome morn itself that I reluctantly but expectantly forked over four clinking dollarim, sponduleks if you will, to that aged and curly purveyor ensconced within zer gaudy booth

no sense of humour

There’s something strange about Larry, he’s not himself. (He’s not anyone else either, he’s just acting strange. Talking strange. Looking strange.) He’s got this new religion of his, he says, belief system. Where you all get together and sing songs and give money to the man with the bad beard and the tin plate! Now Larry’ll start prattling on about the Sacrifice, the Lamb, Redemption and all