can't even do nothing properly

One day dad went into McDonald's for a burger but it was quite busy and he had to wait in line. Also, the teenage staff weren't very efficient: one was flirting with a boy from her school, another was talking on her mobile, and another was just plain slow and useless full stop. Dad got more and more impatient. He had a terrible hangover and all he wanted was a nice greasy burger to throw to the

phallus-centric

Between ”yes" and “no” are many potencies where “probably” and “possibly” combine. Between active knowing and passive knowing and transitive knowing and intransitive knowing and subject knowing and object knowing and known knowing and knowing knowing. No-one knew. Know one nose. The knower knew the knowee knows. Nowhere, nowise, noway, know how, know why, know no no no…Copyright © S R Schwarz

eat but not excrete

Once there was a very advanced species of lifeform. Their civilisation was so glitteringly sophisticated and required so much energy to keep it going that they had to construct special devices around entire galaxies to capture every last smidgin, joule, erg, electron-volt of energy emitted from all the suns within all those galaxies.After a while they realised that even those huge amounts of

in the Dark House

In the Dark House, a presence looms on the periphery of your vision. In the Dark House, faint faerie music chimes mystically as you turn a corner in the corridor that wasn't there before you met the man who wasn't there before upon the stairs that were not there before. And then a door. It's there, just as in your dreams! It's there! Small, as if for pets. A faint glimmer emanates from behind it

malicious damage

At 03:45 hours plain-clothed Officers from the Asset Protection Taskforce patrolling Run 5990 observed two male juveniles applying graffiti to the vestibule interior of Carriage 858. Officers detained the offenders and de-trained at South Dowling Station requesting police attendance. Police attended and cautioned the offenders about Malicious Damage. Police cautioned the older juvenile about Draw

potty training for veggies

Mrs Codswallop took her broccoli for a walk most days, including holy days. At the Park she got talking to Jimbette McPhee, who told her that only the day before her carrots had weed all over the entrance hall carpet. Which had been most unfortunate. "Oh I know, I know," replied Mrs Codswallop, sensing an opportunity to score a point against lah-di-dah Jimbette, "but this little one here,"

the end of homo the sap

Once upon a fulsome time, when dark desires eloped with virgin pixies, and antelopes no longer pronked or sprinked upon the veldt... When no more cantaloupes in fruity embrace with swarthy greengrocers did entwine... When all the zombies in the world laid end to end---an undead chain twenty six thousand miles in length---did girt the Earth, and werewolves with gingivitis growled and grimaced in a